Kim Kardashian is not half-assed. Obviously.

   Stepping outside this morning in the aftermath of the blizzardy past couple of days, I thought that the still, innocuous air and benign gray clouds were like the weather's embarrassed hangover after a wild, roaring drunk:
   "Whoa, did I really do that? I dumped all that snow on you guys? Three feet? In, like, November? Dude, I am so, so sorry. That is the last time I mix my warm fronts with my cold fronts."
   But I'm a Yooper, so I'm over it now. It snowed, we shoveled, life goes on. What's claiming my attention at the moment is similar to snowbanks only in shape. What is on my mind is - butt cheeks.
   Kim Kardashian's butt cheeks, to be specific. I mean, have you seen them? If you own a computer and have an Internet connection, seeing those mind-bogglingly enormous globes this week has been next to impossible. Or maybe I'm just surfing the wrong sites.
   At any rate, my naked eyes have seen Kim K.'s naked ass. And woe to all who've so much as peeked; once it's been seen, it cannot be unseen. Ms. Kim, in her noble, ongoing quest to "break" the Internet, posed cheekily for the publication Paper. She appears butt-naked, her back to the camera, on the magazine's cover. She grins naughtily to the camera, her hair up in an elegant twist, and she clings to what could have been a glamorous black evening gown, but is instead used as a sideways parenthesis, a sort of hammock bolstering her rear end. Her naked skin is slick with oil, giving her the hard plastic sheen of an obscene Barbie doll.
   What immediately captures the eye, however, are those two unnaturally round bulbs of solid pink flesh jutting out from the base of her spine. It can't be real. A backside like that does not exist in nature, at least not among humankind. It is, obviously, designed purely for display. It looks incredibly bulky for toting around, and unimaginably uncomfortable for its intended use - sitting. Is Kim's back able to make contact with the back of a chair when she sits? Is she able to sleep on her back without feeling like she's doing a yoga pose? When she goes swimming, does she sink under the weight or get buoyed up to the surface tush-first?
   If the Kim Kardashian buttocks was not a gift from Mother Nature, this was a purchased item, consciously selected, willingly accepted in exchange for a sackful of legal tender. Which begs the question: WHY? Why would a perfectly attractive, slender young woman with more money than the Almighty decide to invest in a derriere expansion? And, being obscenely wealthy, able to afford the finest cosmetic surgeons available, how did she end up with what looks like two beach balls filled with Fix a Flat?
   It's beyond me. Maybe it comes of having more money than I.Q. points. What it looks like from here, from working class, ordinary butt, non-famous land, is a frantic attempt by Kim Kardashian to feed her insatiable "Look at me!" appetite. It's superficial, it's tacky, and it makes me a little ashamed to be a member of the same species. This is what we've come to: young women so desperate for the gaze of the public eye that not only will they peel off their clothing, they'll surgically alter themselves into fashionable Frankensteins. Forget talent, forget hard work. Shove your bare ass out there and fame will follow.
   I feel a twinge of guilt for mocking her. It's too easy, really. Shooting silicone fish in a barrel. But she put it out there. Nothing I, or anyone else, can say or write will do more than Kim Kardashian already has to make a huge ass of herself.