I will never be an elegant woman.
I've long suspected as much, but tonight I confirmed it. The epiphany came to me as I was walking Indy, my dog. First, there's no way to elegantly walk an exuberant, leash-tugging, wildly panting schnauzer.
I did a brisk head to toe appraisal: this morning's eyeshadow smeared across my eyelids; layers of hair lofting upward with every gust of wind; nails mostly OK, but darned if I can give up biting my thumbnails.
And my outfit? Well, that sealed the deal. One T-shirt featuring a giant chicken looming over the Capitol building. Two blue socks, one printed with little dog pawprints (cute, yes - but not elegant), the other plain blue. The battered gray sneakers I call my Chuckie Finsters, because one of them squeaks with every step, just like the shoes of the "Rugrats" character.
The entire ensemble was accented nicely by the small orange bag I carried, filled with... Well, I was walking a dog; you figure it out.
Once upon a time I dreamed wistfully of acquiring elegance. I wanted to sweep into a room gracefully, more like a swan, less like Jerry Lewis. I wanted to be as calm as a reflecting pool, lithe as a reed, with a musical speaking voice and manners to fit all occasions, a regular Yooper Meryl Streep.
And therein lies my quandry. I am 100 percent Yooper, zero percent Streep.
Truthfully, I like the idea of elegance more than the practice of it. I don't like wearing high heels, I feel like an imposter when my hair is all done up, and I'm lousy at making charming small talk. I'd rather pull on my Eeyore pajama bottoms and Phil Collins T-shirt and eat ice cream right out of the carton than slip into a too-tight silk gown and pinchy shoes and nibble caviar on crackers.
I'm not less than just because I lack certain ladylike attributes. I may be more crass than class, but what you see is the truest, realest me. I may not be at the top of anyone's invite list for a cocktail party, but if someone's ordering pizza and rustling up a game of dominoes, I'm your girl. Especially if I can come over wearing my Eeyore jammie pants and Phil shirt.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
One leaf at a time
I'm nursing a resentment against leaves.
Not the emerald green leaves fluttering above me on the trees; no, it's the quitters I begrudge, the crispy orange-brown defectors already scattered across the sidewalks, crunching under my sneakers as I walk with my dog Indy.
That's August for you, though. August, the hand at your back pushing reluctant you toward September, the end of summer. August has never been my friend. As a child it meant the end of schedule-free days spent reading, playing Barbies and riding my bike, and a return to school, where I was an awkward, uncomfortable misfit.
As an adult it meant folding my own children back into the routine of early to bed, early to rise, juice boxes, clean socks and homework.
This year August will mark my younger daughter's departure for college in Minnesota. I've been trying to imagine what it's going to feel like to hug her goodbye and leave her behind, an eight-hour drive away. I happen to be blessed with an Academy Award-worthy imagination, but I still can't picture how that's going to feel.
But about those leaves. Yesterday I woke for the day at 6:30 a.m., an unprecedented event for a Saturday. I took Indy for a walk down by the lake and saw the pink sun morph into white, felt the cool breeze surrender to warmer, humid air. A perfect summer morning, of not for those accursed leaves.
"Look at this," I grumbled to Indy, who ignored me. He doesn't share my distaste for the premature leaf drop. To him it's just one more interesting thing on the ground to sniff. I looked up, thought I spotted an orange patch on a neighbor's tree, and felt my heart give its familiar pre-autumn sink.
Then, mercifully, my recovery thinking kicked in - specifically, One Day at a Time.
It's still summer, I reminded myself. It's going to be beach day. At this moment in time all is well. You're walking your four-legged best friend on a stellar summer morning. There's a fresh pot of coffee waiting at home, where your three beautiful children lie sleeping, all together under your roof for a little while longer. You're going to hang out with friends today. This day is all you're promised. Don't waste it mourning the chillier, leafier days that haven't arrived yet.
Fall is on the horizon, and winter not far behind it. But today, today I am alive and well, I'm barefoot, and my windows are wide open, with a fine summer breeze wafting in.
Rather than nurse a resentment, I'm going to sit on my porch and nurse an icy glass of lemonade. Just for today, it's summer!
Not the emerald green leaves fluttering above me on the trees; no, it's the quitters I begrudge, the crispy orange-brown defectors already scattered across the sidewalks, crunching under my sneakers as I walk with my dog Indy.
That's August for you, though. August, the hand at your back pushing reluctant you toward September, the end of summer. August has never been my friend. As a child it meant the end of schedule-free days spent reading, playing Barbies and riding my bike, and a return to school, where I was an awkward, uncomfortable misfit.
As an adult it meant folding my own children back into the routine of early to bed, early to rise, juice boxes, clean socks and homework.
This year August will mark my younger daughter's departure for college in Minnesota. I've been trying to imagine what it's going to feel like to hug her goodbye and leave her behind, an eight-hour drive away. I happen to be blessed with an Academy Award-worthy imagination, but I still can't picture how that's going to feel.
But about those leaves. Yesterday I woke for the day at 6:30 a.m., an unprecedented event for a Saturday. I took Indy for a walk down by the lake and saw the pink sun morph into white, felt the cool breeze surrender to warmer, humid air. A perfect summer morning, of not for those accursed leaves.
"Look at this," I grumbled to Indy, who ignored me. He doesn't share my distaste for the premature leaf drop. To him it's just one more interesting thing on the ground to sniff. I looked up, thought I spotted an orange patch on a neighbor's tree, and felt my heart give its familiar pre-autumn sink.
Then, mercifully, my recovery thinking kicked in - specifically, One Day at a Time.
It's still summer, I reminded myself. It's going to be beach day. At this moment in time all is well. You're walking your four-legged best friend on a stellar summer morning. There's a fresh pot of coffee waiting at home, where your three beautiful children lie sleeping, all together under your roof for a little while longer. You're going to hang out with friends today. This day is all you're promised. Don't waste it mourning the chillier, leafier days that haven't arrived yet.
Fall is on the horizon, and winter not far behind it. But today, today I am alive and well, I'm barefoot, and my windows are wide open, with a fine summer breeze wafting in.
Rather than nurse a resentment, I'm going to sit on my porch and nurse an icy glass of lemonade. Just for today, it's summer!
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Small town mom, big city daughter
In the past two days I've discovered two things about myself. The first is that I'm not as ready as I thought to say goodbye to my younger daughter and leave her eight hours away, at college in Minneapolis, Minn.
Melissa and I attended student/parent orientation at Augsburg College on Friday and Saturday. Due to the mechanical unreliability of my Jeep (and the woeful lack of big city driving skills of its owner), my friend Kathy was kind enough to get us to Minneapolis. While Melissa and I were oriented, Kathy explored that jungle of excess known as the Mall of America.
As we neared the city I was gripped by a mix of sorrow and distress. How could I let go of my daughter? How would it feel to not see her every day, to face the end of our comfortable girlie rituals of tea and "Desperate Housewives" on Sunday nights and occasional Saturday afternoon strolls through the stores of downtown Marquette?
What I wanted to do was burst into tears. What I did was suck it up. Melissa had worked hard to get accepted to Augsburg. It was her dream school, this was her dream moment, and I had no right to compromise her happiness with my quivering reluctance to face the fact that my baby was all grown up.
So this was actually a twofold discovery. I am a) More bereft than expected at the prospect of Melissa's leaving, and b) A loving enough mom to push my own feelings into the back seat for the sake of my child.
Discovery number two occurred during parent orientation. As I sat in the modern, glass-doored conference room, listening Augsburg staff enumerate the many cultural advantages of living on an insular campus with a major metropolitan city mere footsteps away, a yen to live in the big city myself stirred in my brain.
I could do it, I thought. Imagine packing up and starting fresh in a city with so many opportunities for cultural enrichment. What an adventure it would be!
Later that day, Auggie parents were offered walking tours of the surrounding neighborhoods - abbreviated tours, courtesy of the high temperatures and obscene humidity.
The neighborhood my group toured was tidy and vibrant, a colorful mix of older, well-kept homes and ethnically diverse businesses, shops and theaters. I could easily imagine Melissa eagerly exploring it all, expanding her cultural horizons in a way I never had the opportunity to do.
What I couldn't imagine was me living there. The houses are so close together you could practically reach out and knock on your neighbor's window. The yards were square green handkerchiefs of grass or garden. No lakeshore. No tree lined bike paths. Just lots of concrete, cars and people.
I couldn't do it. I don't want to exchange my slow-paced, small-town life for any advantage the big city can offer. I know Melissa will thrive there. I'm proud of her for her adventurous spirit and intellectual and cultural curiosity. I look forward to hearing all about her new life as it unfolds.
Meanwhile, I'll keep the home fires burning. This trip taught me that I'm destined to be a small town girl. Maybe that's another way of saying timid, or lacking in a spirit of adventure. Or maybe it means I know where I fit - and I know enough to value it.
Melissa and I attended student/parent orientation at Augsburg College on Friday and Saturday. Due to the mechanical unreliability of my Jeep (and the woeful lack of big city driving skills of its owner), my friend Kathy was kind enough to get us to Minneapolis. While Melissa and I were oriented, Kathy explored that jungle of excess known as the Mall of America.
As we neared the city I was gripped by a mix of sorrow and distress. How could I let go of my daughter? How would it feel to not see her every day, to face the end of our comfortable girlie rituals of tea and "Desperate Housewives" on Sunday nights and occasional Saturday afternoon strolls through the stores of downtown Marquette?
What I wanted to do was burst into tears. What I did was suck it up. Melissa had worked hard to get accepted to Augsburg. It was her dream school, this was her dream moment, and I had no right to compromise her happiness with my quivering reluctance to face the fact that my baby was all grown up.
So this was actually a twofold discovery. I am a) More bereft than expected at the prospect of Melissa's leaving, and b) A loving enough mom to push my own feelings into the back seat for the sake of my child.
Discovery number two occurred during parent orientation. As I sat in the modern, glass-doored conference room, listening Augsburg staff enumerate the many cultural advantages of living on an insular campus with a major metropolitan city mere footsteps away, a yen to live in the big city myself stirred in my brain.
I could do it, I thought. Imagine packing up and starting fresh in a city with so many opportunities for cultural enrichment. What an adventure it would be!
Later that day, Auggie parents were offered walking tours of the surrounding neighborhoods - abbreviated tours, courtesy of the high temperatures and obscene humidity.
The neighborhood my group toured was tidy and vibrant, a colorful mix of older, well-kept homes and ethnically diverse businesses, shops and theaters. I could easily imagine Melissa eagerly exploring it all, expanding her cultural horizons in a way I never had the opportunity to do.
What I couldn't imagine was me living there. The houses are so close together you could practically reach out and knock on your neighbor's window. The yards were square green handkerchiefs of grass or garden. No lakeshore. No tree lined bike paths. Just lots of concrete, cars and people.
I couldn't do it. I don't want to exchange my slow-paced, small-town life for any advantage the big city can offer. I know Melissa will thrive there. I'm proud of her for her adventurous spirit and intellectual and cultural curiosity. I look forward to hearing all about her new life as it unfolds.
Meanwhile, I'll keep the home fires burning. This trip taught me that I'm destined to be a small town girl. Maybe that's another way of saying timid, or lacking in a spirit of adventure. Or maybe it means I know where I fit - and I know enough to value it.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Farewell, June-tober
And so we bid farewell to June-tober. I know we've had damp, dreary Junes in other years, but I've blanked them out of my mind, which makes this the dampest, dreariest June in my memory.
But give us Yoopers credit: When the calendar says summer, we live summer. Children gallop up and down soccer fields in sweatshirts and mud-caked shoes. Dogs are walked under sullen gray skies, their coats soggy, their owners shivering. Families pile into RVs and pour into campgrounds, parents sticking close to the fire, kids running themselves as sweaty as they'd be if the sun were blazing down. We line up at Frosty Treats, cold-reddened hands wrapped around ice cream cones or waxy milkshake cups. It's the principle of the thing.
That's the true U.P. spirit. But believe me, under that spirit lurked one hell of a lot of disgruntled Yoopers yearning for sunshine.
Resentment is a luxury alcoholics cannot afford. That's a little something I was taught - repeatedly - throughout my 28 years in recovery. Note that I said I learned it; I didn't say I always practice it.
By about mid June-tober my Yooper stoicism had given way to a festering, unreasonable, childish resentment. By God, I waited all freaking winter for June's arrival. I wanted my sunshine! I wanted my beach days! I wanted to pull on a pair of shorts, peel my humidity-curled hair off the back of my damp neck and sip an ice cube-filled glass of lemonade.
The unrelenting 50-something degree days began to feel like a personal insult. I developed an irrational hatred of all meteorologists. I checked The Weather Channel online and on TV several times each day, like a Wall Street trader checking the Dow Jones index.
I'm usually big on gratitude. I tried correcting my sour attitude with thoughts of the violent weather and wildfires tormenting much of the rest of the U.S. At least we're safe, I reminded myself. Cold, wet and deprived of sunshine, but safe. But as you may recall, I did describe this as an unreasonable, childish resentment. Reality tends not to be the cure for the irrational.
What finally cured me was the inevitable: The sun came out and the temperature rose. I pulled on my bathing suit and went to the beach with a couple of my friends. The sand was a patchwork of bright beach towels. Children ran into the water and quickly out again, shrieking at the cold. Adults either basked in the long-awaited warmth or waded into the water themselves for a quick dip.
All this joy, and the temperature never broke 80. The wind was, in fact, a tad cool. When goosebumps rose on my arms I pulled on a T-shirt, then tipped my face upward - grateful for the sunshine and able, finally, to make the best of a less than perfect summer day.
But give us Yoopers credit: When the calendar says summer, we live summer. Children gallop up and down soccer fields in sweatshirts and mud-caked shoes. Dogs are walked under sullen gray skies, their coats soggy, their owners shivering. Families pile into RVs and pour into campgrounds, parents sticking close to the fire, kids running themselves as sweaty as they'd be if the sun were blazing down. We line up at Frosty Treats, cold-reddened hands wrapped around ice cream cones or waxy milkshake cups. It's the principle of the thing.
That's the true U.P. spirit. But believe me, under that spirit lurked one hell of a lot of disgruntled Yoopers yearning for sunshine.
Resentment is a luxury alcoholics cannot afford. That's a little something I was taught - repeatedly - throughout my 28 years in recovery. Note that I said I learned it; I didn't say I always practice it.
By about mid June-tober my Yooper stoicism had given way to a festering, unreasonable, childish resentment. By God, I waited all freaking winter for June's arrival. I wanted my sunshine! I wanted my beach days! I wanted to pull on a pair of shorts, peel my humidity-curled hair off the back of my damp neck and sip an ice cube-filled glass of lemonade.
The unrelenting 50-something degree days began to feel like a personal insult. I developed an irrational hatred of all meteorologists. I checked The Weather Channel online and on TV several times each day, like a Wall Street trader checking the Dow Jones index.
I'm usually big on gratitude. I tried correcting my sour attitude with thoughts of the violent weather and wildfires tormenting much of the rest of the U.S. At least we're safe, I reminded myself. Cold, wet and deprived of sunshine, but safe. But as you may recall, I did describe this as an unreasonable, childish resentment. Reality tends not to be the cure for the irrational.
What finally cured me was the inevitable: The sun came out and the temperature rose. I pulled on my bathing suit and went to the beach with a couple of my friends. The sand was a patchwork of bright beach towels. Children ran into the water and quickly out again, shrieking at the cold. Adults either basked in the long-awaited warmth or waded into the water themselves for a quick dip.
All this joy, and the temperature never broke 80. The wind was, in fact, a tad cool. When goosebumps rose on my arms I pulled on a T-shirt, then tipped my face upward - grateful for the sunshine and able, finally, to make the best of a less than perfect summer day.
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Commencement Day
Today I watched my youngest child receive her high school diploma. Virtually anonymous in a sea of bright red caps and gowns, I only saw her face when she was walking across the stage to accept her diploma and when she carefully maneuvered back down the stairs in her high heels for the walk back to her seat.
Melissa's face, like the faces of her classmates, reflected joy, relief and excitement: It's over! We did it!
I imagine that sentiment was echoing in the minds of every parent, as well. And, like the graduates, our joy was tempered by a throat-tightening recognition that an era was ending. Our children are free of our sheltering/smothering oversight. We are free from the mantle of vigilance and daily responsibility we've worn since the day we became parents.
I am a veteran of high school graduations, having seen my older daughter and son collect their diplomas seven and five years ago. But seeing my youngest, the baby of our family, reach that milestone, tugs a little harder at the heartstrings. Even Melissa's big sister and brother are sentimental over it.
Yes, it's sentimental. And also, for me, surreal.
For the first time in 25 years, I will not be the mother of a public school student. No more permission slips to sign, no more lunch boxes to pack, no more sitting in a crowded, stuffy auditorium for an hour and a half to see my kid sing or play an instrument for 12 minutes.
Am I going to miss all that? I imagine so. But being a person who's allergic to "have-to's," it's also going to be a relief. My days are going to be my own, with only myself to consider.
At times like this it's hard for me to do what my recovery program advises: live one day at a time.
Each of my children's graduations have opened up my overpacked closet of memories, and for every happy one there's a prickly remembrance of the times I let my children down, the times I wish I'd been better to them, better for them. That chapter of their lives is over, though, and all I can do is acknowledge the times I was hurtful and be grateful for the good times, and for the fact that, despite a far less than charmed childhood, each of them - Jessica, Daniel and Melissa - has grown into an openhearted, intelligent, loving young adult.
My recovery program also promises that, in time, I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I don't think that's possible for a parent. But if I can't not regret the past, I can most certainly be grateful for the gift of the present, for a program that's given me sobriety, the ability to make amends to my kids for the times I failed them, and a heart full of gratitude and pride for each of them, including my newly minted graduate.
Melissa's face, like the faces of her classmates, reflected joy, relief and excitement: It's over! We did it!
I imagine that sentiment was echoing in the minds of every parent, as well. And, like the graduates, our joy was tempered by a throat-tightening recognition that an era was ending. Our children are free of our sheltering/smothering oversight. We are free from the mantle of vigilance and daily responsibility we've worn since the day we became parents.
I am a veteran of high school graduations, having seen my older daughter and son collect their diplomas seven and five years ago. But seeing my youngest, the baby of our family, reach that milestone, tugs a little harder at the heartstrings. Even Melissa's big sister and brother are sentimental over it.
Yes, it's sentimental. And also, for me, surreal.
For the first time in 25 years, I will not be the mother of a public school student. No more permission slips to sign, no more lunch boxes to pack, no more sitting in a crowded, stuffy auditorium for an hour and a half to see my kid sing or play an instrument for 12 minutes.
Am I going to miss all that? I imagine so. But being a person who's allergic to "have-to's," it's also going to be a relief. My days are going to be my own, with only myself to consider.
At times like this it's hard for me to do what my recovery program advises: live one day at a time.
Each of my children's graduations have opened up my overpacked closet of memories, and for every happy one there's a prickly remembrance of the times I let my children down, the times I wish I'd been better to them, better for them. That chapter of their lives is over, though, and all I can do is acknowledge the times I was hurtful and be grateful for the good times, and for the fact that, despite a far less than charmed childhood, each of them - Jessica, Daniel and Melissa - has grown into an openhearted, intelligent, loving young adult.
My recovery program also promises that, in time, I will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I don't think that's possible for a parent. But if I can't not regret the past, I can most certainly be grateful for the gift of the present, for a program that's given me sobriety, the ability to make amends to my kids for the times I failed them, and a heart full of gratitude and pride for each of them, including my newly minted graduate.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
Ask us why we love our dogs
So one day last week I asked my daughter Jessica if she would walk partway to meet me as I walked home from work, and if she would bring my dog, Indy, with her. This would give wild man Indy a nice walk, and spare tired me from having to walk him after walking to and from work that day.
When I stepped outside it was about 20 degrees colder than I expected. That, and looking forward to meeting up with Jess and Indy, added speed to my stride.
I saw them from a distance, Jess in a pink sweater, pink-cheeked, long hair floating on the wind. Indy was a fluffy gray cloud on springy legs, tugging at the leash, eager as always to take in the whole world simultaneously.
Crossing to their side of the street, I waved at Jess until she spotted me. As I reached the curb across the street from them I called "Indy!" He was busy watching the car coming up the street, which stopped at the corner, blocking our view of one another.
As I waited for the car to pull out I thought about how I'd been hoping that Indy would be excited to see me coming up the street. Now I thought, he's so wired about being out for a walk he'll barely notice me.
But as the car pulled away and I gave it one more try, calling "Indy!" I saw his head snap up and his attention focus on me as I crossed the street. As I approached I could hear him whining as he danced on his hind legs, trying to get to me.
Jess and I "aww"ed as Indy leaped up to nuzzle my face. I felt like a war hero returning to cheering crowds and a ticker tape parade. I felt like exactly what I was: the center of Indy's life, the center of his heart.
I'm always going to remember that moment when I hear anyone wonder aloud why some people love their dogs with such ardent devotion.
Not since my children were small have I been greeted with such unrestrained enthusiasm. Dogs not only let us love them as much as we want to, they thrive on it. The more time, patience, affection and care we offer them, the more we receive of their love, devotion and undiluted displays of joy at the very sight of us.
I hate taking Indy outside to pee when it's bitterly cold or pouring rain. He has a shrieking bark that could shatter glass, he's a pain in the ass to walk and he's so jealous of my cat Sadie that he comes running every time he hears me talking to her.
He also runs to the window to catch a last glimpse of me whenever I leave the house, glues himself to my side whenever I'm home, and presses his head into the crook of my neck whenever he sees me crying.
And my every homecoming is a joyous ticker tape parade.
When I stepped outside it was about 20 degrees colder than I expected. That, and looking forward to meeting up with Jess and Indy, added speed to my stride.
I saw them from a distance, Jess in a pink sweater, pink-cheeked, long hair floating on the wind. Indy was a fluffy gray cloud on springy legs, tugging at the leash, eager as always to take in the whole world simultaneously.
Crossing to their side of the street, I waved at Jess until she spotted me. As I reached the curb across the street from them I called "Indy!" He was busy watching the car coming up the street, which stopped at the corner, blocking our view of one another.
As I waited for the car to pull out I thought about how I'd been hoping that Indy would be excited to see me coming up the street. Now I thought, he's so wired about being out for a walk he'll barely notice me.
But as the car pulled away and I gave it one more try, calling "Indy!" I saw his head snap up and his attention focus on me as I crossed the street. As I approached I could hear him whining as he danced on his hind legs, trying to get to me.
Jess and I "aww"ed as Indy leaped up to nuzzle my face. I felt like a war hero returning to cheering crowds and a ticker tape parade. I felt like exactly what I was: the center of Indy's life, the center of his heart.
I'm always going to remember that moment when I hear anyone wonder aloud why some people love their dogs with such ardent devotion.
Not since my children were small have I been greeted with such unrestrained enthusiasm. Dogs not only let us love them as much as we want to, they thrive on it. The more time, patience, affection and care we offer them, the more we receive of their love, devotion and undiluted displays of joy at the very sight of us.
I hate taking Indy outside to pee when it's bitterly cold or pouring rain. He has a shrieking bark that could shatter glass, he's a pain in the ass to walk and he's so jealous of my cat Sadie that he comes running every time he hears me talking to her.
He also runs to the window to catch a last glimpse of me whenever I leave the house, glues himself to my side whenever I'm home, and presses his head into the crook of my neck whenever he sees me crying.
And my every homecoming is a joyous ticker tape parade.
Tuesday, April 26, 2011
Tick
So I've been trying out this new thing where I work to meet all of my obligations, do what I say I'll do when I say I'll do it, and do things even when I don't wa-a-a-nt to.
I think it's called... wait, wait, give me a minute. I think it's called maturity.
Don't worry, I haven't gone completely on the rails. I still love cartoons, blowing bubbles, and jokes heavy on the crass. But turning 50 has sharpened my hearing. I can hear the clock of mortality ticking so much more clearly than before, and it is chanting, do it now, do it now, do it NOW.
Example: Last week was the week the city did its annual spring brush and branch pickup. For me, this effort amounts to thinking about picking up the fallen branches in my back yard, reasoning that I still have plenty of time to take care of it, then being amazed that the pickup day has come and gone and my yard is still filled with branchery.
Not this year.
When I came home from work one night last week I saw several of my neighbors diligently clipping hedges, gathering branches, and piling it all in tidy curbside mounds. Oh, I thought. The city must be doing the pickup tomorrow. Oh, well. My yard doesn't look so bad. Too late now.
I was greeted at the door by my Indy dog. It didn't take a dog whisperer to read the expression on his face: "Walk tonight? Walk tonight, Mom? Pleeeeaaase, walk tonight!"
"I'll take you in a little while, Indy," I said.
Shortly thereafter my son and my brother-in-law arrived to help me go pick up a used bed frame I'd bought for my older daughter, who's moved back home for awhile.
"Mom, I need a new cell phone," my son announced. "Mine's dying."
When I hesitated, Dan added, "I'll pay you back when I get paid."
We picked up the bed (my sole physical contribution was to open and close doors) and got it back to my house. I thanked Dan and my brother-in-law, said goodbye to each, ignored the sinkful of dirty dishes and flopped on the sofa to watch TV. When Indy danced over to me I rubbed his fluffy gray head and said, "Sorry, bud, Mom's too tired to go tonight."
Then I heard it: tick, tick, tick. Now. Now. Now.
I jumped up and headed for the kitchen.
As I washed the dishes I thought about the economics of parenting. My daughter needed a bed. I bought one without thinking twice. My son needed a phone. I dragged my feet about it.
I was bombarded with memories of times when my two daughters' needs were met and my son got short shrift. Dan was a quiet kid, never asking for much and always appreciative of what he did get. And while my girls were never demanding and also always appreciative, they were more verbal. And because they were girls, I understood their needs more easily. Or so I told myself.
The reality was, Dan was the back seat kid. Not because I loved him any less, but because it was easy to not see what he needed - especially if you were preoccupied, and not seeing made life easier.
Tick. Tick. Tick. I finished the dishes, ran to the store, bought a box of microwave popcorn and a bottle of Coke, two of Dan's favorites, and left them at his doorstep. I called him and told him my revelation. I told him I'd buy him that new phone. I apologized for all the times he felt "less than." He didn't say much, but he was, as always, appreciative.
Then I gathered armful after armful of dead, dried branches from my back yard and hauled them to the curb.
By then it was almost dark. I ducked back into the house, rounded up Indy, and we bounced through the neighborhood in the twilight.
The words mortality clock have a ring of doomsday to them, don't they? But that isn't how I think of this demanding internal timepiece. For me it's a hand at my back pushing me to accomplish what I can while I still can. I don't plan on dying tomorrow, but I can't guarantee I won't, either. All I have is today, this moment, right now. That's always true of everyone, but for a lifelong procrastinating look-the-other-wayer, turning 50 has made it more than true: it's made it real. And how grateful I am for that tick, tick, tick.
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