C'mon, Wednesday

Nov. 3 can't get here fast enough. Enduring this election season has been like having two radios playing full blast, one in each ear: one shrieking heavy metal, the other a screaming fire and brimstone preacher. And for the grand finale, we're expected to pop into a booth and take a quiz on the content of both stations.
I think I'm going to form my own political party. I'll call it the Reasonable Party. We Reasonables will not raise our voices, hurl invectives or spend kabillions of dollars trying to make our opponents look like horses' patoots. What we will do is quietly state our beliefs and goals, encourage citizens to vote for us, and work hard to fulfill our campaign promises.
Our mascot will be the giraffe: quiet, serene, head up high enough to see the big picture. And a vegetarian - how politically correct!
First I'll need a candidate. And don't look at me. Although I do enjoy public speaking and kissing babies, I'm not much for giving orders, or accepting resposibility when things go awry.
My first choice? Alan Alda. Don't be dubious. I think we can all agree that actors of far less talent than he have held public office. He's intelligent, humane, warm, well versed in social issues. He's also in his 70s, which I guess means he wouldn't jump at the chance to hold public office.
Second choice? Big Bird. A true man of the people. He's got street cred, he's compassionate, he cares about the education and welfare of children. And think of this: who would dare to attack a country of citizens crazy enough to elect a 7-foot-tall bird president?
Third choice: the late, great George Carlin. Imagine it. By the time he completed his inaugural address he'd have offended 75 percent of the population so profoundly that they'd all defect to Canada, leaving the rest of us to create our own utopia. Can you imagine a Pledge of Allegiance that incorporated the seven words you can't say on television?
Yes, I'm a little punchy. I look forward to casting my ballot tomorrow night, doing my sacred duty as an American, making my voice heard.
And if you hear about a precinct where Robin Williams got one vote as a write-in candidate for county commissioner, you'll know those political commercials sent me right over the edge.