Keeping the faith

Faith was the topic at a recent recovery group meeting I attended. When you're living in recovery, either in your first 24 hours or your 24th year, faith matters.

I was raised a Catholic, but I don't remember faith having much to do with it. It was more of an unwavering tradition. My father's parents were Catholic, so I was raised Catholic. You went to church on Sundays because you went to church on Sundays. The closest I ever got to a theological discussion at home was when I badgered my dad about why I had to go to church every week. His reply: "Because I said so, goddammit!"

I've always believed in a higher power, which gave me a big jump start on my recovery program. But while I never doubted the existence of a higher power, I frequently doubted the logic behind putting a useless being like myself on earth.

Growing in recovery is difficult, uncomfortable, liberating and exhilarating. One of the greatest gifts I've received is kind of an equation of faith; ironic, considering my unabashed hatred of all things mathematical. It goes like this: If I have faith in a higher power, I must believe that my higher power has faith in me. Based on my higher power's faith, I have faith in myself.

That tag team faith gives me the courage to roll out of bed each morning and believe that I can survive whatever the day may throw at me. It gives me the gumption to speak up, to trust that I have enough experience, strength and wisdom to share with my fellow humans. It lets me relax into my faith, knowing that a power greater than myself is running the show.

  My prayers are no longer desperate pleas for what I think I need. Most often they're telegrams of gratitude from my soul: Thank you for another sober day, a loving family, a body that works, a houseful of nutty pets, a life full of beautiful friends.

This is not to say that I don't ever thrash around in prayer, freaking out over the quick fix I want when uncomfortable situations arise. But the more conscientiously I work my spiritual program the less thrashing I do and the more peaceful life is. In fact, sometimes I wonder if all of this peace of mind is a signal that I am, in fact, losing my mind. Shouldn't I be more worried about money, my kids, my job, the world?

No, I shouldn't. All I need to do is stay spiritually connected and concern myself with being the person I believe I was meant to be. 

In the end, it's all about keeping the faith, whatever your faith may be.